parallels between the practice and (the rest of) my life

I've been doing some thinking. I think I have some brain space freed up or something (yeah, as a psychologist that's a literal and highly technical description of the cognitive processes).

I love the way I create parallels between my practice on the mat and my life (I hesitate to call it practice, makes me feel presumptuous somehow) off the mat. The main one I thinking of is the way I'm scared of falling. Out of Sirsasana (headstand) and Bhuja Pindasana (arm pressure) especially, but also Bakasana (crow). I relate this to the way I am nervous of taking risks in lots of other areas of life, instead making teeny tiny increments towards things, in a painfully slow way that would really frustrate me to watch in anyone else.

I also find that process very affirming (right word? not sure) in that I keep plugging away - Bakasana in particular has become a lot 'easier', not in the sense of becoming simple, or effortless, but less stressful, much less of a big deal.

I say that I 'create' the parallels because I am very aware that I'm seeing what I am choosing to see, choosing to make links. I could choose to take Prasarita Padottanasana C (wide legged forward bend, arms linked and over my head) and Baddha Padmasana (bound lotus) as great evidence of my incredible openess, in my emotions, or to new thoughts and situations. However I don't. I don't see that, I don't choose to make that link because I don't see that in my life. Instead what I see when I'm in that forward bend and my teacher takes my hands to make contact with the floor is a combination of 'love these Doll family hamstrings' and 'practice paying off', and various other things too, but no specific links to any great openess or strength in anything other than my body.

As I type this I wonder if some people would think this negates the experience, would think that the parallels are more literal, and that tension looming up in some muscle or other is a literal manifestation of an emotional block or obstacle in life off the mat. I don't see that it is literal in that way, I see it more that it gives me the opportunity to figure some stuff out for myself, and I think it's all the more powerful/exciting/insert-superlative-here for being that way.

(sub)mission accomplished

Title says it all, really.

last week's practice, this week's plans

Almost a week again since the last post!

Last week's practice, from Tuesday onwards:

Tuesday - nope, nada. A virus of some kind, and a bad mood.

Wednesday - 3 surya A, 3 B. 3 seated to finish.

Thursday - 4 A, 2 B, 3 seated.

Friday - nope. I had planned to go to led in the evening, but a combination of lingering lethargy and stroppiness saw me coming home instead.

Saturday - did 4 A, 4 B, and then the angriest attempt at standing I have ever pushed myself through! Couldn't tell what I was angry at. Well, superficially I was angry at the practice itself, I sometimes really resent it. I can even resent that I ever discovered it at all. It takes away my freedom to eat and drink what and when I want, my freedom to lie in bed all morning. But I say 'superficially' because I'm a strong believer inthat kind of internal emotional transference. I was angry at something else, but I've still not pin pointed what. Maybe it's not even 'anger' - I was so close to finishing my PhD thesis at that point (of which more later!) but of all the feelings I'm prepared for around that, anger really wasn't one of them. Anyway, no seated, just the last 3.

Sunday - mulled wine hangover. Not a bad hangover (the way I make mulled wine, contrary to tradition, I'm actually more than happy to let most of the alchohol boil off!) but bad enough. 4 A, 4 B, started standing, and then I think it was coming up from Parivritta Trikonasana (revolved triangle) that I got a wave of nausea and moved straight to the finishing 3 seated.

So, that was last week. Yesterday's Mysore was good, but a bit emotional which is very unusual for me. I got so frustrated by Bhuja that I actually had another go when I got home, and was glad I did, it helped me remember that it's possible sometimes. It went well this morning too, when I did my usual short version (8 namaskara, all of standing, all seated to Bhuja but with no vinyasa between sides). Headstand doesn't seem to be making any progress, I'm on the cusp of starting to get annoyed with this, but only away from the practice - at the time I'm always just pleased I've done it at all.

This week's plans are to SUBMIT MY PHD THESIS.

It is printed. P R I N T E D. Four copies. All ready to be bound tomorrow, then I can submit on Friday. I felt sick when I realised it was complete. I'm hoping for my viva exam in March. This means I can forget the whole thing until February. Well, apart from the midnight 'oh my god I didn't proof read every single copy what if the printer went mad' anxieties, which are bound to come.

So, less academic reading means more ashtanga reading! Well, actually, no specifically ashtanga reading, but lots of yoga reading. But I think that's another post.

Upavita Konasana & some things I don't seem to have the time to blog about

Jump backs in surya - putting weight forward into hands, using core & balance not pushing with legs. Well, less pushing with legs.

My right foot - is always at a weird angle in seated poses. Consciously working on this, I wonder if it's connected to further up the leg (my lopsidedness as noted in virasana).

Supta K exit - starts to look possible to lift up and move into tittibhasana. One day!

Navasana - in short home practices, I sometimes drift off and lose count. Time to work harder, I suspect! In a full practice, I'm still finding it holds my attention just fine - a good sign that those muscles really are getting worked throughout.

Cold Weather - it's so beautiful. But so, so cold!

Ill again - just a mild throat/chest infection, I think. But I seem to have had my share this year. Fair enough, really - I usually seem to get away with less than my share! No practice yesterday, and this morning I was still feeling weirdly feverish, so just a few surya.

Bhuja Pindasana - I want to work on this more, I've minded for a while that it's missed out of my shorter, before-work practice. I just go up to navasana when I'm low on time, so I think from now I'll add 2 goes of Bhuja before moving to back bending. If this takes more time than I think (and it's always the recovery that takes more time, never the actual pose!) then I'll see what I can take out instead. Maybe a Prasarita Padottanasana (wide leg forward bend) or two, or the last Janu. I struggle to think what to miss as I don't want to leave out any that I hate, as that would feel very wrong, but also don't want to skip my very favourites, as that would feel like depriving myself!

And I almost forgot! Another new post - Upavita Kponasana. Which I love. Coming at the end of practice, especially after Badha K, my chin gets to the floor and it's bliss.

Homesickness - and two tiny new reasons to feel homesick

I spent the weekend (a long weekend - Friday afternoon until this morning) at my parents' house. My Southern Sister (as apposed to Northern Sister, who I see much more often), her husband and their son, my nephew, also live in my home town in the south of England, so seeing my parents means getting to see them too. I feel infinitely better for seeing them all. I think I often get homesick around this time of year. I always see them at Christmas, but in some ways knowing that it's only 3 more weeks makes me miss them more. I've been lucky to have the time - and money - to see them when I really wanted to.

Nephew and I got our Virasana on each day. 'We're sitting on books, Aunty Ragdoll!'. In my practice on Friday morning something did feel a little different, easier, more comfortable, in the first side of TMP. Not that I was nearer to the floor at all, but it just felt a little more natural.

And incredible news - my Southern Sister is pregnant again. She's expecting twins in April/May! With our family history, there's a certain amount of reticence in preparing for two new babies. The essentials (a car big enough to bring them home in!) will need to be bought, but anything else waits until they are actually born. My sister has quite the bump already. We went swimming yesterday so it really showed. Swimming with my sister is always a good ego check, it's a rare swim when I'm not the fastest swimmer in the pool, unless she's there. Even with her two passengers she effortlessly glides past me!

I wish I was nearer so I could be of practical help through the pregnancy, and beyond.

There was sledging, and lots and lots of PLAYING (with cars and trains and marbles) and making mince pies and fruit crumble and sitting round for big family dinners.

A good, short practice yesterday morning, and I'm back home in the North West in time to go to Mysore class tonight. And a final push on my thesis from tomorrow. Submitting by Christmas looks realistic - so long as I can email it for printing in time to beat the Christmas post. It's going to be tight, I can just do my bit and then hope that the binding and postal services are on my side.

"Why worry if you can do something about it,
and why worry if you cannot do anything about it?"

Unexpected emotions and going through the motions

(subtitle 'I'm a poet and I didn't know it . . . ')

Had a bit of a weep last night, I can't remember the last time I cried. It was triggered by finding out that friend's daughter is depressed at the age, and with the same symptoms, as my first episode. For some reason, I suddenly realised for the first time that my poor Mum was just about done getting me through my 3 years of suicidal feelings when my brother became ill - and remained ill for ten years, before dying in 2004. I can't get over what she has gone through. But somehow she keeps going. She also lost her Dad when she was under ten, and her Mum when she was pregnant with my eldest sister (Mum's mum never got to meet any of her grandchildren). And this was after Mum went through a full-term still birth with her first baby. I feel incredible guilt for adding to her woes. Her patience with us (my brother and I) and our illnesses was incredible.

Don't think I got the best night's sleep last night, felt quite drained (and FREEZING) this morning. Went through a very shonky short practice, weak and stiff. Three headstands without touching the wall. Barely lay flat for savasana, I could feel the draft under the bedroom door.

Home early from work, due to the snow. I had emailed myself some stuff to get on with but (oops, terrible mistake!) I somehow attached the wrong file. Such a shame, I am forced to take the whole evening off.

Perhaps I should 'phone my Mum.