Ill AGAIN?!

A couple more weeks since my last post.

Since then, I've been up and down again, with the practice, with life, with my physical health.

From Sunday the 19th until Friday the 24th I had a good 6 week practice, no classes but got to do my full practice 4 times, one hour long practice, and one half hour or so. Then this Sunday just gone I got a cold, and I've not practiced since (bar three of each surya and the finishing poses yesterda). Sinusitis has kicked in on one side, and as I was umming and ahing about a class (beginners or mysore) tonight, I got an email from a friend with a spare theatre ticket, which kind of made my decision for me.

What happened to my strong immune system? Am I really that stressed? Even when depressed I never used to get physically ill this often.

Bah. I am officially sulking.

Found it!

My joy in the practice, that is.

Down the back of the sofa, obviously.

Another rapid round up . . .

Sunday - my full practice, hurrah. Got the binds I usually get, some extra work on Bhuja P and Supta K. Headstands meant 2 or 3 in the room, tucked, then put my mat nearer the wall but still a long way away. Then said 'fuck, that's too far away' (yes, literally. This is what happens to people who live alone) and moved the mat closer. Good solid headstand there.

Monday - got to a Mysore class, hurray. Was annoyed with myself for not getting the bind on Mari D the first side and (this is the annoying bit) giving up rather than waiting/asking for H's help. Compensated with lots of extra effort in headstand, made myself wait until she was free to stand there and help. Still scary stuff.

Vinyasas are super clumsy at the moment. I have nice scratch marks on the inside of each wrist.

I'm really not finding so much joy in the practice right now. Moments of loving it, but usually these are associated with achieving something. In the past, I'd find myself grinning just with the joy of the practice itself. Not so much right now. Though at least I'm finding some peace in it again. Even that was in short supply for a while.

a general round up

Woke up this morning after a long and deep night's sleep to hear about the night- long after shocks in Japan. And that is what made the emotional connection with it - not just the more practical, logical, objective 'that's terrible'. I've deliberately kept away from the footage, and I think the sheer scale of it means my slides away from getting too involved. But to hear an account of the aftershocks this morning, the thought of the terror thatmust be causing in every single person involved, as they hold their breath with each new quake, wondering what this one will bring. And the gaps between must be just as bad. When's the next one? How big will it be?

Practice - standing only yesterday morning, then full led with H last night. Skipped the vinyasa between the marichyasana, so I could get each bind. My left hamstring doesn't feel great today.

The lurgy is slowly retreating. Slowly. Still can't hear on one side - GP wants to see if syringing will be the final magic bullet, now that the ears themselves don't seem to be infected so much.

And that short-short hoo-ha? The great yoga blog kick off?! I LOVE that this is what counts for a kick off. This is how Yogis have an argument - sure there's swearing, but it's not at anyone. No one being ignored, all out belittled, threatened . . . It's a debate, not a fight. There's even reasoned discussion on whether or not to delete a comment from someone who my have come on a little strong in their opinions. Loving it. Am I missing something? Is the real offensive behaviour going on somewhere else? No - don't tell me. I like these rose coloured lenses.

frustration and determination. And still half deaf.

The virus still lingers . . . and I still can't hear out of my right ear. On Monday night/Tuesday morning my other ear became increasingly painful, to the point where I got so scared I went to A&E, to be told there was nothing they could do for several hours, and sent me home with pain killers. LOTS of breathing through the pain. Surprisingly helpful in dealing with it. OK, maybe not so surprising to anyone choosing to read this, but it's never worked in the dentist's chair! And the ujjayi breath is particularly interesting right now, as the noise inside my head is amplified and external noises are all dampened. Definitely like the sea rolling around in my head!

Last night was NT's class, first class for two weeks for me. We got through to Supta Konasana, with lots of modification along the way, and it was a frustrating one for me. Jump throughs are clumsy again, and I couldn't bind Mari D on the first side. It seems that when I'm in any kind of physical discomfort, or emotionally off, those twisted poses really don't help. I want opening poses. Things that enhance my feelings of power and self-efficacy and internal locus of control and all that jazz. As it's a class mainly full of beginners, she teaches skipping vinyasa between poses, which sometimes frustrates me, but last night it suited me down to the ground.

This morning I had a bit of a lie in after the previous night's disturbed sleep, and went to do my usual standing-only practice, before realising that everyone else in the house was up, so I could thump away to my heart's content (the baksana exit after Bhuja P being a prime example. So I did what used to be my usual pre-work practice, skipping the vinyasa inbetween sides, going to finishing after Bhuja P. Got my binds back on all the Mari poses, though not the wrist on either side of D. They feel very uncomfortable - lack of practice has definitely reduced flexibility and increased the amount there is to stretch round. I don't want to want to lose weight, I'd be gutted if my practice ever led me down that route. But I do want those poses to be comfortable and opening again. Right now they're just scrunchy. Attempts at sirasana (headstand) in the middle of the room were a little better than I feared - tucked, not held for very long, but then I never have high expectations of that pose. Just doing it's certainly enough for now.

This evening after work I've done my navasana and virasana. The former really highlights lost strength! Ouch. The latter seems not to have suffered from neglect.

Lent

I usually give something up for lent. Not as an act of faith, just as an excuse to try/address something new in my life. In the past I've given up an online community, supermarkets, alcohol. This time around, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to try going without. So instead I'm using it as a re-commitment to practice. Six days a week. No excuses. I've been doing very little lately:

Thurs 3rd March - practiced up to Parivritta Trikonasana (revolved triangle)
Friday 4th - to Parivritta parsvakonasana (revolved side angle/extended triangle)
Sunday 6th - to the four Prasarita Padottasana (which I did in the wrong order, oops)

Today - to Ardha Baddha Padma uttanasana (bound forward bend balance)

Also, today saw the first Virasana for a couple of weeks.

down down

Ha. Just the two downs today. That's one fewer than yesterday.

Practice - 5 A, 5 B, three finishing seated. Felt good though, had a good savasana. After a bad, feverish night's sleep I needed it.

Just as ill as yesterday, if not more (at least my ear's no more painful, even if I'm still somewhat hearing impaired), but looking after myself better, my mood's just that little bit improved. I'm well aware that it's the (false?) dawn of recognising that things need to change. The initial burst of enthusiasm.

How to make it last, is the question.

down down down

OW I just sneezed. Wow. That hurt.

OK, so over the past few days I've been up and down and round and round again, and now I'm very much DOWN. I have an ear infection which is making me feel rough and really impairing the hearing in one ear. Teaching was, ummm, interesting, today. Of course, people teach every day with greater hearing impairments than this, but I, and the students, didn't seem to adapt very well!

Looking back, since Christmas I've not been doing so well. Not looking after myself. Not practising consistently. Not keeping in touch with friends and family (and bloggers! And my own blog) as much as I like to.

I'm looking back to a period of five months or so, including Christmas itself, when I was on a much more even keel. Much better at dealing with stuff. I wish I could take that and bottle it and keep consistent. When I'm down I never quite believe I'm going to get back up, and when I'm up I never quite believe I need to worry about getting back down.

I need to look after myself but can't seem to find the consistent motivation - I need to, I don't want to. The almonds and the decaf don't appeal, I'd rather walk across campus in the cold for chocolate biscuits and cappuccino. And a full practice? Nah, I'll do a few surya without breathing properly. It's all yoga right?

Wrong.

Ah a part of me wants to type 'I don't want to whinge' but bugger that, I do very much want to whinge. That's one of the things I love about the blog, is that it's all just kept here and people can choose to read it or not. It's not like I'm sat dominating a conversation with the memememe. Just as annoying when I'm up as when I'm down, I suspect.

Obviously, the viva has brought this all to a head. I knew I'd feel adrift after it,whatever the result, but not in this way, and not to this extreme. I was teaching neurotransmitters today, with serotonin and SSRIs as my example. Ah. Couldn't help wondering if I'm headed back there myself. Getting out of bed is so much harder these days.

Healthy coping mechanisms don't come easily to me. The unhealthy ones are much easier to turn to. It's got to change. But thinking that, typing that, doesn't make it happen.